Blog #14: Consistency is key
It’s been a while since I last blogged consistently.
The truth is, I’ve been running on empty. A million thoughts and flickers of inspiration, but I forget to write them all down. I’ve been feeling my emotions so intensely throughout the day that I’m exhausted by the time I have a free moment to reflect. I have so much I want to say, but lacking the energy to even get a word out.
This past week has uncovered my wounds like no other time before in my life. Last Wednesday, the arbitration (basically a private trial) for my mom’s medical malpractice lawsuit finally began. For FOUR years my family has been fighting to prove that my mom’s life was taken too early. We relive our trauma every day that we think about and participate in this case.
The purpose of this excruciating process is to gain justice for my mom, but no amount of justice could bring her back to me on this Earthly plane. It doesn’t help that the hospital responsible for taking care of my mother’s life is furiously refusing the blame. The case could truly go either way (there are convincing lawyers/experts on both sides), so I try not to get my hopes too high for our desired outcome. The pain of reliving every detail of my mom’s death is enough heartache for me.
It’s no surprise that I’ve felt removed from my own body throughout this process. I often forget to take care of myself or be present with my body. My entire focus this past week has been on my mom’s lifeless body.
I know it’s not intentional, but the lawyers often talk about “Ms. Advincula” as a feeble pregnant body without agency. They talk about her potential cause(s) of death in the most cut and dry medical terms. They talk about the worth of her life in terms of how much money she made. They talk about her contributions to our family in terms of percentages of her salary. How can that be a fair way to measure the life of someone whose existence was simply priceless???
Last Friday, I gave an emotional testimony as part of the arbitration. In a room full of cut and dry professionals, I professed my love and admiration for the woman who no longer walks this Earth with me. I spoke of our mother-daughter relationship as quite simply majestic. My mother saw the whole world in me and never missed a chance to remind me of it. I showed her my gratitude and respect by mirroring back an endless supply of unconditional love. My mother made me feel whole. I am reminded of her absence each and every day.
It could be my own fault that I place so much of my own worth in my mother’s validation. I know I would feel more at peace if I could only provide myself the love, affirmation and protection that I so desperately need. Of course that's easier said than done though. I am a constant work in progress.
The other day, someone from my Filipino Ancestral Healing class said something that really struck me: “The only constant in life is change.” As someone who is adamantly opposed to change, this is a simple truth that I’m trying to accept. I want to be comfortable in a constant state of change. I want to feel safe in my body. I want to feel whole and present during my evolution in life. I want to be enough for myself at all times.
I may always struggle with self-esteem, but there will be times when I get fed up with my state of being and search for better. In fact, I made myself sit down and write this blog post because I refused to be alone with my feelings any longer. I release these words in hopes that the heaviness will also dissipate from my heart.
To be 100% real, I’m going through a really tough time right now. But I know I will be okay, as long as I keep writing and processing. Send your prayers and your love.
Much love to every person who took the time to read this. I hope to be back with more consistent blogs in the near future. <3
