Blog #9: My Nanay
In honor of Filipino American History Month coming to an end, this blog post is all about my Nanay, the woman who ensured my existence with a Filipino American identity. <3
Who is Nanay?
Nanay is my living (grand) mother. In fact, “Nanay” translates to “mother” in Tagalog. Most Filipinos refer to their grandparents as “lola” or “lolo” (Tagalog for grandma and grandpa), but my family does things a little differently. Skipping over the “lola” label and calling my Nanay for what she is, a mother, is my family’s way of showing endearment for our matriarch.
Nanay happens to be my mother’s mother, or my maternal grandmother. She and my Tatay had five beautiful children together, my mom being the youngest of the bunch. Nanay is the reason why I have this beautiful life, in this beautiful place, in this beautiful body. I am forever indebted to my Nanay.
She was the first of my mother’s family to immigrate to the United States from the Philippines. She was determined to create a better life for her family, present AND future. The day Nanay decided to leave Cabanatuan City marked a grand shift in the Universe. How can a woman be more of a superhero? Her sacrifices made it possible for me and my siblings to exist in this reality.
My mother was only 5 years old when Nanay left for the States, and 12 years old when she finally reunited with Nanay in their new home of San Francisco. Those 7 years before the entire family reunited were the hardest for Nanay -- she sorely missed her husband, kids and home country -- but she persevered. Nanay is the truest blueprint of a strong female role model.
Nanay is motherly in the way she provides for others. She often shows her love by asking “Kumain ka na?” (Have you eaten yet?). If your answer is “no”, she may offer to cook you a meal (if she really loves you, she will let you pick your favorite). She will ask you to take her to the grocery store and hold tightly onto your arm with each step she takes. She will list all the ingredients she needs, then skillfully pick out the most fresh, undamaged, on-sale meats and vegetables. When you bring her back home, she might ask you to cut the vegetables for her, then she will effortlessly cook your meal using only her senses (taste, smell, sight and touch) -- never using a recipe. Food is my Nanay’s love language, and the reason why I associate my favorite Filipino dishes with a deep sense of home.
As a devout Catholic, Nanay also shows her love through her persistent prayers. She has a strong will to create a life full of blessings for her family and manifests this reality all the time. She prays to God all throughout the day, every day. She prays for the health and safety of her family members, an abundance of blessings for her children and grandchildren, and peace of mind to continue living on this Earth without her husband and only daughter.
Nanay and I understand each other on levels unique from my other family members because she is a daughterless mother, while I am a motherless daughter. Our pain runs deep and in parallel to one other. I feel my Nanay’s love when we are able to talk openly about the person we both love and miss most in the world. When I’m with Nanay, I feel validated, loved and protected. Nanay loves to remind me of the stories my mom would tell about me in confidence, her favorite being: “Your mommy would always say to me ‘Maya is the one who’s going to make me rich one day. She is going to make our dreams come true.’” My heart sheds a tear every time I reflect on the fact that I can’t share my accomplishments with my mom anymore, but I find comfort in knowing that she had the utmost pride in me. My heart sheds another tear when I think about the comfort that Nanay gives me in my own mother’s absence. I become weary when I grow too dependent on her love.
That’s because I never want to imagine a life without my Nanay, but as she and I understand too well, all life is temporary. When you experience a devastating loss very early in life, you start to think that you’re immune to more loss. There was a time when I thought to myself: “This is the worst pain I could possibly feel in my life, how could it get any worse than this?” That mindset caused me to believe that I would never experience hurt so bad again. I had to believe that, in order to protect my heart. In truth, it’s a trauma response that I’m trying to ease my mind away from. In the moments when I consider the unimaginable, I try to remember what a gift it is to live in the present alongside my Nanay. I am safe and healthy in this body, and so is Nanay in hers. I have this unique ability to experience life because of the sacrifices she made so many years ago. I have something new to be grateful for every single day.
In fact, three days ago I called my Nanay to share some exciting news… that I will be the next Ocean Conservation Policy Specialist at the Monterey Bay Aquarium (starting this November)! That I will be paid a living wage (plus benefits) to do the work that I’ve dedicated my life to! That I will be perfectly aligned in my path towards saving our planet! Nanay nearly cried through the proud words: “I am so happy for you, apo.”
I’m not totally sure what this next chapter of life will look like, but I am incredibly excited to explore the unrestricted growth and wonder that’s in store. I pray that my Nanay’s health allows her to step through each big and small milestone with me. The truth is, our angel guides have gifted us extended time on Earth together and I will never take that for granted.
Nanay, if you’re reading this, I just want to say I love you and I thank you, a million times over. I am so lucky to have come from the beautiful, strong, resilient woman that is you. <333
