Blog #16: Mirrors of my sisters
Today I had an important conversation with a sister of mine.
I was brutally honest with her (and myself) in confessing the fact that I was jealous of her. I told her I was ready to release that negative feeling so that we could grow an even tighter bond and I could feel a little more free.
All I have is love for her, so why is it that my subconscious mind turned that love into toxic comparison?
Deep down, I knew this jealousy was rooted in a neglected place within me. A part of me that was severely lacking love and attention. Before I came to my sister, I sifted my feelings to try and understand the root of my jealousy. Once I found it, everything became crystal clear.
My sister is not blood-related, but she is loved like one. She’s about 4 years younger than me, a senior in high school. She’s looking forward to leaving home and starting college in a few short months. She’s at that stage of adolescence where she’s sort of rebellious and seeking the independence she’s never had. She wants to be seen and treated as a mature woman. On the outside, it appears that she’s enjoying all the fun and freedom that a 17-year-old can.
We are clearly two women at two very different stages of life. I recently completed college and entered the workforce. I am happy with the home I’m constantly building with my life partner. I love my job and I’m grateful to make an impact in the field that I’ve dedicated my life to. I’m an adult with all the freedom and independence I could ask for. So where does the jealousy live?
In truth, 17-year-old Maya had a very similar mentality as my 17-year-old sister. I desperately wanted freedom. I wanted to leave the house. I wanted to rebel. I wanted to spend more time with my boyfriend. I wanted to be seen as the grown woman I always believed myself to be. My overprotective mother seemed to be the only thing getting in between me and my independence. At times, I was equally terrified of her as I loved her. I only wished that I could live without the fear of disappointing her, for her to see me as an equal, a grownup.
One day, that wish came true in the most twisted way.
I was 17 years old when my mom died, only months before leaving for college. I felt utterly alone and scared without her, forced to grow up quicker than I ever expected to. Back then, I couldn’t anticipate how the absence of her overprotectiveness would affect me. I no longer had someone scolding me for coming home after curfew or grounding me for sneaking out with Matthew. No one to say “text me when you get there safely” or “no you can’t sleep over at your friend’s house because someone’s daughter somewhere got kidnapped once.” I surprised myself when I realized how important it was for me to be enveloped in her protective bubble. I only wished that I could go back in time, when my helicopter mom was my best friend, and my biggest concerns were my grades, boyfriend, and social life.
That’s when it clicked. I realized that it was 17-year-old me who was jealous of my 17-year-old sister. It was the version of me that grew up too quickly and had her innocence taken away. That Maya wished she was in my sister’s current position, getting ready to venture off to college with unadulterated excitement and protective parents to catch her if she ever fell. 17-year-old Maya, who just lost her mom, needed to be held and loved and reminded of her worth.
Once I identified the source of my jealousy, I reinforced the love that I needed. I realized that all jealousy originates from a place within us that’s lacking love. I know I do not deserve what happened to me, but that doesn’t justify directing negative feelings towards the people who are living the perceived “dream” life. I can only love others as much as I love myself. I decided to share this epiphany with my sister because I wanted her to know how much I love her. Her immediate response was to say in a compassionate way: “I know where you’re coming from, I sometimes get jealous too.”
I share this story on my blog because even though I’m not proud to be jealous, I think it’s important to talk about so we can RELEASE THAT SHIT. Women and men (but especially women) are constantly comparing themselves to other people. For a lot of us, that feeling can be debilitating. We often repress it and deal with the consequences later. We see people who appear more beautiful, more successful, more intelligent, more youthful, more free, more happy. We’re so caught up worrying about what we’re not, that we forget what we are. Each one of us is deserving of unconditional love and validation. We are all unique and beautiful and gifted beings who simply want to love and be loved.
Can you imagine how much better this world would be if we stopped comparing ourselves and accepted the self-love we deserve?
I want to co-create that world alongside my tribe this new year. I see my sisters as my mirrors, my inspiration. We see in each other the best versions of ourselves, the people we are constantly striving to be. We are not in competition with each other, the truth is we never were.
I invite all my readers to evaluate your jealousies and reinforce the love that you may be lacking, so that we can heal and step into our power together.
So much love to you all <3
