Blog #12: The Process
The process of writing a blog for Ethereal Environmentalist usually starts with an idea or a feeling that is hyper present with me at the time. Since a lot of the subjects I write about are extremely personal and vulnerable, writing the actual blog and processing all of the emotions sometimes causes a re-traumatization. The process of moving through the emotion instead of past the emotion is by far the most difficult, but it also produces the most raw and vulnerable work. The process is sometimes painful, but it’s sure to bring healing.
When I first started the blog, I had a hard time deciphering which of my words were important enough to be shared publicly. I re-read each blog multiple times before posting and sat with the feeling before I was ready to share. I poured so much energy into writing blogs that I wasn’t journaling for myself as much. At some point, it felt like I couldn’t be as authentic because I was never just talking to myself anymore…
I started to write the drafts for my blogs in the “journal” folder of my Google Drive just so I could subconsciously be more honest with myself. I found that I could be a lot more open with my feelings when it appeared I was only talking to myself. I eventually transitioned back over to the official blog draft folder because I was making time to write “real” journal entries again, but I return to the journal folder every now and again to process a difficult-to-write blog. In fact, right now I am writing within the safe space of my “journal” folder. I needed to do that today because I haven’t been as honest with my feelings as I can be.
The truth is, I was really sad today. The sadness came in a big, crashing wave as soon as I woke up. So many factors were working together to produce such a dramatic emotion which only made it more difficult to figure out a root cause. I cried profusely without understanding why. Lots of amazing things are happening in my life, and yet there are sad realities that I can’t seem to overcome.
For example; accepting the fact that my best friend will be moving across the country next year, or allowing my greatest fears to get the best of me, or remembering that I am a motherless daughter.
Let’s dive a little bit into that last one, because I believe that might be the root of my funk today. I understand that I am not my emotions because all emotions are temporary, but there’s no substitution for losing my only mother. Grief is a life-long process. Remembering that makes me sad as fuck.
I love the quote that surfaced a while ago from the Disney+ show “WandaVision”:
“What is grief, if not love persevering?”
That’s precisely it. I cannot separate my grief from my existence as a human being because I am also a being of love. And I have so much love for my mother. She’s the one who taught me about love, after all. My unconditional love for Mama Rosa and the beautiful gifts she gave me during a short lifetime inspire me to do amazing and liberating stuff every day. Like writing this very blog from the comfort of my journal folder. My mother gave me the gift of life, the gift of self expression, and I have the privilege of using it every day.
It’s not so bad when I think of it that way, but I also acknowledge how difficult it is to live without her here sometimes. It’s undeniable that every child needs a mother. In some ways, I’ve learned how to mother myself in her absence. What other choice do I have when it’s just me now? This blog is a form of mothering myself.
It’s a manifestation of the love I have for myself, for my mother, for the environment, and for all the beautiful complexities life has to offer. Living here on Earth is no joke. We are all spiritual beings having human experiences. We endure so much pain, hurt, and loss. But there’s duality in life. We also experience the undeniable power of love. The kind of love that this blog is a constant reminder of.
When I reach a point in blog writing where I experience a revelation, I know that I have come to the right place. I am reminded of the safe and sacred space that is my mind, my body and my home.
I exhale and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Then the process starts over again. <3
