Blog #11: This is my metamorphosis
This time a year ago, I never could have imagined that I would be here right now — as happy and secure as I am.
This time a year ago, I was a senior in college, deep in denial about the fact that my chapter at USC would be coming to a full stop very rapidly. I was missing an entire year and a half of in-person activities and losing hope in the bigger picture. I felt displaced from my community and displaced from my sense of self. I was scared of sickness, death, grief and loss. I envied people who appeared to have it “all together.” I felt suspended by the Universe without agency, drifting along until my path revealed itself. The only thing that mattered to me was getting through One. More. Day.
At some point, I got tired of wallowing and searched for something better. I had no clue what the future had in store for me, so I expanded my options and prayed for more clarity every day. I followed my intuition and re-learned self care. I started journaling religiously and without judgment. It was around this time, a year ago, that I became deeply immersed in spiritual work and started a transition that would shift my entire Universe.
Coming off the high of graduating from USC and making my family proud was a momentous achievement that I will never forget. I earned my degree with all my loved ones by my side. The celebrations were heartwarming and never ending. I experienced Hawaii for the first time and achieved a spiritual awakening. I remembered what a gift it is to live on this Earth, to experience joy and gratitude. I woke up to my higher self.
When I came back home from Hawaii, I started my internship as a Communications Intern at the Ocean Conservancy. I felt like I reached my stride while I was working for them because I was doing everything that I loved and giving my best effort. I was writing every day about topics that really mattered to me: environmental justice, climate change, ocean conservation, eco-communication, etc. I was making connections left and right, developing my leadership styles, creating without boundaries and coming back to my extroverted self.
When September ended, so did my internship. I had been searching for my next job opportunity pretty much at the start of my time at Ocean Conservancy, so I started to become weary when I had nothing secured for October. Each day, I diligently networked, applied and interviewed for positions. When I wasn’t progressing my job hunt, I was fully enveloped in my self care routines. I journaled every day, wrote multiple blog posts, slept in some days, woke up early on others, cuddled with my kitties, cooked for myself, purified my space, danced like no one was watching, took frequent walks to the park, caught up with old friends, made past due appointments, and most importantly, I was kind to myself. The Universe gifted me with five amazing weeks of vacation, so that I could return to self-love, self-care and self-expression. The month of October was like hitting a reset button in order to prepare me for the next exciting adventure…
Tomorrow I will be starting my first full time job as an Ocean Conservation Policy Specialist at the Monterey Bay Aquarium (remote)! I have been pursuing environmental work with all my heart since the day I became acquainted with the severity of our climate crisis nearly seven years ago. Nothing else has ever moved me the way this work does, and after all the years of studying the problem, I finally get to participate in the solution.
Of all the different niches in environmental work, I chose policy because I am determined to make the biggest impact I possibly can in my career. Many people argue that the most significant contributors to our climate crisis are polluting industries and it would be more efficient to directly work with them, but industries have no obligation to change if there are no policies in place. Good environmental policies keep polluting entities accountable, provide creative solutions to our climate crisis, and allocate resources to the right groups. Policies set the tone for the kind of society we are in the constant pursuit of achieving. Although it takes a long time to see the fruits of your labor in this field, I am in it for the long haul and will see my work through. I am fully dedicated to achieving environmental justice during my short time on this Earth.
Simple words cannot describe my absolute excitement for this incredible opportunity. I am fully blessed that my first full-time job is in my field and I will be paid a living wage to work at a nonprofit organization (a sector that is historically underpaid and overworked!). There is no doubt, the Universe is kind and generous to me. So despite my happiness and security, why have I been feeling so depressed today?
Maybe it’s because every time I experience radical joy, there’s a gut wrenching feeling that pulls me back down to Earth and reminds me that I cannot bask in this moment with my mother. I can’t tell you how badly it pains me that I couldn’t call her to tell her the amazing news. I couldn’t tell her the story of how I took my pain and turned my life into something beautiful in her absence. I couldn’t thank her for all the lessons of strength and resilience and love that she taught me over the course of my life. The only thing that makes it better is to recognize that I kept my promise to her.
In the heartbreaking tribute I gave at my mom’s funeral, I ended with the lines:
“I will make this promise, right here and right now, in front of all of our friends and family…
That I will tell countless stories to keep you alive in our memories. I will share with my baby sister all the important lessons you taught me. I will spread your wisdom and your strength. I’ll exude the same spirit of life that you shared with the world. But most importantly, I’m going to do everything in my power to exceed your expectations.
I will attend a top university, I will land a job, and I will become the successful woman you always wanted me to be.”
Mama, I may not be able to share this moment with you in a physical sense, but I am beyond proud to say: this is my metamorphosis.
