Blog #20: Dear Perfectionists
Dear Perfectionists,
If you relate at all to the contents of this letter, you may be suffering from the desire to be the very best at all times. This pursuit of perfection may be ingrained in your way of being, but it may also keep you from reaching the idealized version of yourself. One that isn’t plagued by the stress of every misstep. Being a perfectionist means that you care an awful lot about doing something the right way, but when you allow yourself to sink into that pressure, it can be crippling.
The perfectionist believes that if they are in control of the outcome, they can make it the best one. They believe that if they put in the work and attention to detail, they can single-handedly create the masterpiece, perform flawlessly, and be recognized by their efforts. The perfectionist has a hard time giving up control.
When you’re a perfectionist, you are unnecessarily hard on yourself. The smallest details out of place send you reeling. The fear of failing (or confronting your imperfections) is enough to keep you up at night. You feel like the world is watching your every move. One misstep, and everything you worked for comes crashing down. For a perfectionist, the stakes are always high.
When a perfectionist makes a mistake, they absolutely shred themselves over it. They are somewhat fragile in this way. They might replay the awkward or mistake-full scenario in their head over and over again, thinking about how they could have prepared or responded in a certain way to limit their embarrassment. Their value is defined by their presentation.
The perfectionist might suffer from an irrational belief that if they can’t be the best at something, it’s not worth trying at all. They might be wary to try new things or create from the authenticity of their heart, for fear that it won’t be any good. They might keep their talents away from the public eye, waiting until they’re deemed worthy to share with the world.
The funny thing about perfectionism is that when you set the bar THAT high, you are sure to fail yourself every time. You might believe that you’re motivated by the fear of not letting other people down -- your family, your friends, your coworkers, etc. In reality, you’re afraid to let yourself down. You are the one who gets to set the bar, after all.
I am not proud to admit the fact that I am a perfectionist. For me, it was born from a place of wanting to please my parents/teachers/elders at all times. I never wanted to give them a reason to complain, so I tried to be the perfect child. It was my own way of keeping the peace for myself and others. I gave my best effort at every class, every activity, every task, so that I wouldn’t be ashamed of my own poor performance. I convinced myself that I was doing it for other people, but in reality, I was never enough for myself. How can I ever validate myself when I feel like I’m perpetually falling short of my own expectations?
I experience perfectionism in the context of my work, where I feel the need to perform at the highest caliber at all times. I feel the weight of each step towards my vision of environmental justice. I live in the peril of focusing on the things that I can’t save, due to my imperfections. I am optimistic, but I am not always satisfied. I know that I can’t do it all on my own, yet I’ve convinced myself that this is all my responsibility.
I also experience perfectionism in the context of my “presentation” -- how I am perceived in the world. I feel the need to look and act a certain way to be worthy. I feel the pressure of fitting a “perfect” beauty standard. One that is not authentic nor true to who I am. When I focus on my insecurities, I boil myself down to all the things that I am not. Deep down, I know my worth, but I am not always so kind to myself.
That is the consequence of being a perfectionist. Feeling like I’m never enough.
Perfectionism is the rival of creative expression. Although it pushes us to aim high, it can be highly calculated and self-doubting. It requires that we have an idealized version of what’s right and wrong, or good and bad. These ideals are self-serving, they assume that there is a right way. They also assume that we are always in control of the outcome.
Maybe the right way is to trust that however we decide to show up in our lives is perfect because it is authentic to our being. Maybe perfection is inherently unattainable because us humans are hardwired to make mistakes in order to learn and grow. Maybe we would be more satisfied with our work if we recognized that we can only control what is our own to control. Maybe we would love ourselves more if we accepted that we are perfectly imperfect.
To my dear perfectionists -- we are more than perfect for no other reason than simply being. We are gifts to this world however we decide to present ourselves. Our worth is measured by our courage to cultivate and express our passions. We are all perfectly imperfect, and that is good enough.
With love,
EE
---
If you resonate, drop “I’m perfectly imperfect” in the comments below. <3
