Blog #21: Brainstorm
I have a lot on my mind right now, but I honestly haven’t started thinking about what to write until sitting down in front of my computer at this very moment. This past month has seen little to no self reflection. I’ve steered clear from my blog, my journals, my tarot cards, and most of all my feelings. I didn’t want to dig deeper because I was afraid of what I would find. I knew the feelings originated from a dark place and I didn’t want to unpack it. So I aimlessly went through the motions without much thought to where I was heading. It was easier that way. The only thing that really mattered was waking up for work, putting in as much effort as my body and mind would allow, going back into auto-drive and eventually going back to sleep. If I was lucky, the cycle started over again. As long as I had a routine, at least one thing to look forward to, and the chance to wake up to a new day… everything would be “okay.”
I thought that those things would be enough to feel satisfied, but I’m realizing that I want much more out of life. I want to be excited for a new day. I want to move my body. I want to travel and be in nature. I want to be anywhere except the place where I am at the moment. I want to be happy right NOW.
I have been mentally fried lately, wishing I could have all the things I don’t have and be all the things that I am not. My mind knows that this regret is rooted in the insecurity of never knowing whether I made the “right” choices. I feel the full weight of the smallest decisions and all I can ask is “What if…?” when I should be asking “Why am I so goddamn indecisive?” Making adult decisions for myself is all I ever wanted, after all.
I haven’t been feeling myself lately and it shows. My wellbeing is so closely tied to my self-expression and validation. If I don’t believe that my own life is precious, then how can I possibly convince other people that this life is worth saving? That’s the essence of my job -- proving to people that this life, this community, this environment, this world is worth saving. What is the point of proving that when I don’t genuinely feel it myself?
That is a brutally honest thought that I have not been able to verbalize until now. Lately, my mind tries to shut off all the bad thoughts the moment they arrive, which results in me invalidating myself. It’s a form of protection. But you know what? This is the kind of honesty that I need in order to put shit into perspective. In my clearest and most energetic moments, I have ingrained the mantra: “Be brutally honest with yourself.” Even if it pains me to go there.
The truth is that I’m suffering from a kind of pain that isn’t tangible. I miss my mom. I miss the old Maya. I miss the rain. I miss the way things used to be. I miss young love. I miss old friends. I miss my family. I miss the moment as it passes me by.
I have an unsightly obsession with nostalgia. I only want to listen to music that I know the lyrics to, watch sitcoms that I know the punchlines to, visit familiar places that I know the drive to… When I make plans to go somewhere, one of my first thoughts is how it will feel when I return and look back on a memory. When I think about my age as a 22 year old woman, I sometimes imagine what it will be like to live as a 32, then 42, then 82 year old woman. As much as I crave change and growth, I am afraid of it. I’m afraid of losing it before I even have it. So I clutch hard onto the past.
But maybe -- just maybe -- that’s a symptom of genuinely valuing this life… because I’m afraid to miss out on some of the best moments, the genuine moments, the laugh-until-you-cry moments, the breath-of-fresh-air moments, the so-happy-you’re-sad moments, the I-feel-so-alive-right-now moments. Because I so deeply appreciate every little aspect of my life, it’s hard for me to imagine a life without each of those things exactly as they are. The people, the places, the pets, the home, the love. I’m afraid of loving so hard because I am afraid of losing.
Maybe the whole point is for us to exist in the mundanity and uncertainty. Live for the present moment for better or worse. Be happy with simply being. Be selfish. Be empathetic. Love our whole self unconditionally. Understand that better times are always coming. Speak without judgment until we find the answers we are looking for.
That feels right. I’m going to ride that one.
