Blog #41: Thoughts of a writer
11/18/24
The gears are turning. I can’t think too hard. I just have to write. Getting into a flow state is a unique joy that can only be described as intuitive. Like something takes over your body and your mind, and the spirit is there doing the work. It’s moving you to create. It’s not something that you want to control. My body is just a vessel for the words to manifest on paper.
As I write this I’m listening to berlioz’s “open this wall”. I’ve probably listened to this album over 20 times since it was released. It’s the most eloquent blend of jazz and house. Jazz is an old love of mine, house is a newer one. The two together are like good chocolate with red wine, synergetic. Like Remy the rat when he eats charcuterie and the sky starts exploding with color.
I really want to paint something with color. I loveee colors, every one of them. They make life so much richer. A color can evoke an emotion, a memory, an experience. Of course it’s something you see at first, but it also has a certain spirit to it. Like the color red -- reminiscent of wine or strawberries or roses. Beautiful rose, rosa linda. My mom was Rosa Linda, my sister is Rosalinda. One a legend, another a legacy. Red is the color of the blood we all share.
Lately I’ve been super in tune with my senses. One of the items on top of my many gratitude lists is actually five: my sight, taste, smell, touch, and hearing. I think our senses are our superpowers. They are so under appreciated but they literally keep us alive.
Hearing a tree fall
Feeling a burning hot handle
Smelling a gas leak
Tasting a too-old leftover
Seeing a car speeding towards you
“Keep pushing. Keep pushing.” I have to tell myself as I wane to a stop in my writing process.
The writer has a million thoughts but never quite masters the art of distilling them into one. She writes in many voices, all with different moods and stories to tell. The writer is easily inspired, collecting beautiful things from all over her environment. But too many sources becomes detrimental very quickly. The things that once inspired her, she is now shoving off to the side, an attempt to forget that she is not the one to do it first. Toxic thinking, I know. Isn’t that the problem with comparison? Inspiration is abundant but so are the reminders of her insecurities.
These days I am working to heal my inner artist by taking a self-guided course called “The Artist’s Way” and it’s rather taxing. It’s the hardest work I’ve done since my days in college. Healing is a daily, persistent effort. There’s a bit of reading and homework involved, but the real work is everything outside of that. It’s how I talk to myself, support my own ideas, and take care of my physical and mental health.
My mind is like a garden where some fruits are ready for picking, others are maturing, and the rest are seedlings that crave to be planted into the ground. I’ve been watering these seeds sparsely; they could use a whole lot more. I have to tend to my internal garden by CREATING WITHOUT BOUNDARIES. Sometimes I have to write something in all caps to remind myself of free will! This essay is an expression of free will. My mind and body are screaming at me to free myself creatively.
Having a platform to share my honest thoughts was the whole purpose of EE. I don’t know why I avoided her so much this year. I always assume grief has some role to play. It’s hard to share freely when your work is extremely vulnerable. I feel like I’m getting to know a new version of myself every day. The world is changing rapidly and so am I. I’m 24 years old, very soon to be 25. This year went by insanely fast. I’m deeply grateful for the lessons and experiences, because I accept that there’s no such thing as wasted time. Every step I take is towards a better version of me. 2024 was all about re-membering and honoring Elvia Maya, her cadence, her energy, her flow. 2025 is when she lets the floodgates down.
