Blog #40: It’s Time To Look Inward

11/7/24

Yesterday was absolute shit of a day. Trump was elected president for the second time. California is redder than ever. I’ve lost hope in humanity. I’m still unemployed. I’m aching to be part of the solution. This grief, this frustration is killing me. I grieve for a world that my generation may never know. One where the people are liberated and the planet is protected. It’s a simple dream but it feels unattainable. It appears that corporations, greed, money, hatred (everything evil) has won. I’m hurting deeply. 

I’m especially disturbed by the people in my life who’ve outed themselves as Trump supporters, how could you? Were your decisions based on making America “great” again? Transphobia? Internalized-racism? Pro-life? Religion? And how can someone who lives and breathes the word of God vote for someone who, on top of being a convicted felon, is hate embodied? Hate for any person with a marginalized identity, and for anyone standing in the way of excessive wealth. It always comes back to money. This country runs on soulless, greedy, unforgiving capitalism. Grow the bottom line at ALL COSTS. Even at the expense of life on Earth. 

People must understand that a Trump presidency is detrimental to our planet. A climate change denier will be in office. No one will survive if there are no resources left, no planet for us to inhabit. We are at a fragile time in our existence where more and more people and species are dying from unnatural, human-caused disasters. We are crossing a threshold, a point of no return. Meanwhile, the people in office want to rape Mother Earth. Squeeze every last ounce of profitability from her. Line their pockets with blood money, an act that will eventually end their own blood lines. They don’t see that their livelihood is bound to Mother Earth. When she suffers, we all do. Why is this so hard to understand? 

When Colonizers touched down on Turtle Island, they tried to strip all humanity from the land and the Indigenous Peoples who steward it. This was the only way for them to justify their atrocities. I wonder if all the evil people of the world sit around trying to convince themselves that they’re good, and that their wealth will somehow protect them from all danger. I’m sure all their evil comrades stroke their egos and reinforce this lie. They must convince themselves of this lie in order to persist. Their campaigns of deceit must have worked, because people across the nation are losing sight of what is good versus evil. We are now at war with ourselves and questioning our own morality. This is the poison of the Colonizer.

I feel deep in my heart that my efforts in the workforce are more essential than ever. I also acknowledge that my mental / physical / spiritual health is essential to sustain energy for the fight. I’m ready to put in the work. The right opportunity is just around the corner, I can feel it. My community needs me and my empathetic heart, radical dreams, persuasive speech, truth telling, commitment to justice, and strong will to protect what I love.

Put me in charge, forreal. This is no time for entry-level work. I’m inching closer and closer to the frontline. It’s terrifying, but if I’m not willing to risk something major, what will change? It’s a revolution that we want. Re-imagining the entire system. Decentralizing power. PROVIDING BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS TO ALL PEOPLE (and why has that ever been considered radical?).

Countries around the world have figured out governments, policies, and structures that work for their people. How can we learn from them? Be in allyship with them? Separate our identity from Trump’s America so we can rebuild? 

I am not proud to be an American right now. I am, however, a proud Filipina woman and daughter of immigrants. I embody my Indigenous ancestors’ spirit of determination. I am the only person who gets to determine what happens with my body. I am a pillar of light and leader for my community. I will spread the truth and unite star seeds across the nation. A movement is brewing. It has been for a very long time.

11/9/24

Today I’m grieving extra heavily. I hurt for every person who holds a marginalized identity in this country, especially my fellow females. The American government does not care for us, they want to see our demise. I hurt for every lost soul who has been brainwashed to believe any differently. 

Let us remember that we live on stolen land. The Colonizers’ plan was never carried out to completion, otherwise, we would cease to exist. There would be no Indigenous Peoples, no immigrants, no people of color (if only dehumanized and used for slave labor). In Trump’s ideal America, there is only a seat at the table for white people, the rich, and the obedient. They want us to accept defeat, but we are still the global majority. We need to organize our communities and get ready to fight for our lives. Comfort is no longer guaranteed, nor is it an option. Comfort is a privilege of the naive and indifferent. 

I was in my most vulnerable state when the phrase “Your body, my choice” rudely asserted itself in my thoughts yesterday. This is the last thing you want to think about while making love. Psychological safety fades. Anger floods in. A desire to regain control takes over. I cried in my love’s arms. He’s not the problem, but not all men are like him. I told him how it feels for someone else to want to control my body. I asked him to please be extra intentional in the gentle way he loves me. 

Then I thought about power dynamics and what purpose they serve. It’s easy to lose control when you’re the one in power. So many people can be selfish with their power, completely disconnected from the greater good. Those are people who use their power to oppress and control others. Is there a way to concentrate power without abusing it?

Many disrespectful and damaged men have tried to hold power over women through sex and marriage. I think it’s because they fear us. We, women, are the portals of creation. These men cannot colonize if they have no way of reproducing. They are unwilling to share power, so they want to take ours. They want to take away our right to abortion and contraception because we were only ever baby makers to them. 

“Your body, my choice” is the call of the grim reaper, vying to take our reproductive rights away. Women are under attack in this country, and around the world. The only place where I can and should feel safe is in my own body. I am grieving and I may never stop, but when I peel myself off the ground, it’ll be time to fight like a woman.

11/10/24

I accomplished a lot today. Although there’s plenty left on my to do list, I have this entire week to work through it. I gotta continue feeding this energy, pour into my own cup. I want to take care of things for my future self. No one else is gonna do that for me. I’m proud of the ways I prioritized mental health this past week. Even after the terrible election results, I continued to write through my pain. I think those words are the raw truth, and a path towards collective healing. 

Lately I’ve been getting in the habit of casually telling people that I’m working on my memoir. It’s an incredible feat and YES it’s underway. The more I live my life and share my lens, the more it writes itself. This week, I will prioritize going to a cafe to have a “writer date” with myself, and going into nature to find some inspiration and serenity. I’ll move my body intentionally every day. Pull a Tarot card each morning to tap in with my ancestors’ wisdom. Find ways to treat myself (more than one a day is encouraged). Catch up with friends. Use my AMC A-list pass (have ya heard of this deal?!). Make some bomb ass meals. Feed a loved one. Take a nap with a kitty. Invite my friends to celebrate another year of life with me. Take good care of my skin. Do something I’ve been avoiding. Continue healing my inner artist, who’s also my inner child. Tell a friend something I’ve learned. Take guilt-free rest. Make love. Make art. And make more lists like this. 

My life is so abundant--I can’t deny the gift of gratitude. I am fulfilling my purpose on Earth with every decision I make, big or small. I am protected and divinely guided. I will write through the feelings, the grief, the pain. I will turn my pain into poetry and share it widely. I can always rely on art and community. No one will ever take this from me. 

As I write, I’m laying belly down with a kitty resting between my legs. My wrist is getting tired, my eyes are dry, and I’m ready to sleep. My body is craving it. I had about 2 glasses of wine with dinner and it warmed me up in a really nice way. Tomorrow I’ll double down on my immunity boosters cause sickness is in the air and I really don’t want to lose momentum. 

At a time like this, the only thing I have control over is myself. Protecting my health and the wellness of my community comes first. It’s time to look inward and reign in all the things that are in our control. We are going to be alright, because we have no other choice but to make it so. This reminder is the only thing making me feel sane right now.