Blog #31: An Important Question

It’s been a long while since I’ve gotten into a good flow with my writing. I’ve been trying to dig deep to understand why, but have been coming up short each time. While no one is forcing me to hit pen to paper, I have an odd feeling that I’m not myself when I’m not writing. Like I’m neglecting my higher self. At this moment, I think it’s important for me to remember my roots. 

I have an unconventional relationship with my writing. When things are going really well, I have big bursts of inspiration that I am quick to act on. These posts flow out of me so easily and often dig into environmental justice “calls to action.” And when life is testing me to the fullest degree, I often come back to writing (and spirituality) to pull myself out of the rut. But a strange thing happens when life is moving and grooving, my work starts to speak for itself, and more people start to recognize my voice. Specifically, when people invite me to speaking engagements and I accept them, my relationship with writing starts to waver. 

Let me be clear that speaking engagements are the truest honor and privilege to participate in. There’s probably no greater validation that I’m “doing something right” than when I’m asked to speak to a room full of students about my life experiences. Each invitation has come from a place of genuine intentions to uplift my blog and the collective vision towards environmental justice. So you can probably imagine the frustration I felt when I realized that speaking to students also happens to have a (2 time) track record of throwing me off my writing flow.

After the Stanford talk, I didn’t write for the blog until 3 months later. And it’s been 2 months since the Cuesta College talk. Why is that??? I ask myself. Shouldn’t those experiences give me the energy and validation to keep writing my heart out? There’s a high that comes with standing in front of a room and doing the guest lecturer thing. The words I share carry more weight than they would on a screen. My audience grows larger, to people who probably wouldn’t come across the work in any other fashion. The audience honestly started with the smallest community of my closest friends and family. I just never thought about how it would feel when people outside that circle started listening.

During the preparation phase for a guest lecture, the only thing I can think about is how I will get my important points across and relate to folks in the room. There is not enough space in my brain to process blog-worthy topics during these periods. A part of me feels guilty for even diverting time to the blog when I have a lecture to prepare for. Like a college essay due at the stroke of midnight, my procrastination builds. I either put my energy towards presentation prep, or use it towards the blog, but either way, the idea of it begins to feel like a chore. I know this is not the mental space I want to create from. 

When I’m at work, everything we write has to have the “audience in mind.” This is how we get people to listen to our message, and beyond that, take action on our words. For the blog, the exact opposite is true. I started The Ethereal Environmentalist so that I could express my truest self, heal myself, and use that energy for good. I admit that some of my blogs are written with a general audience in mind, to educate on important environmental justice topics, but I don’t expect the world to listen in. I am confident enough to send my intentions out into the universe -- that’s what matters most. So I ask myself the important question: What does it mean to truly write for myself, and still share it with the world?

I went back to my very first post to remember my “why”:

“I’ve always wanted a space to express myself freely outside of the solitude of my self-talk. A platform to build community around some of the most important topics of our current day. We must create systems for people and the planet to thrive by tapping into our empathy for others and love for ourselves. I am dedicated to this work because I long for better times, but I know I can’t heal the world until my own heart is healed.”

At the root, community is what I’ve always intended to create from this blog. I talk so candidly about the human experience on this blog because it’s real and it’s happening. I have learned healthy ways to process deep emotions, and I’ve shared some of that with my blog audience in hopes that someone who needs to hear it will listen. And beyond that, I write to release myself of all the emotions and move forward with grace. I am definitely no expert at this (maybe that’s partially why I experience a mild case of imposter syndrome when I’m asked to speak to a crowd), but I am humble enough to recognize that I will be a student for life. I may spiral down and ask myself what my purpose is every once in a while, but the important thing is that I care enough to dig deep within and remind myself of the answer.

My purpose is to exist in this world with intention. To create with authenticity and love. To attract new friends and readers purely from the magnetism of our energies. To express myself with unapologetic vulnerability. To heal myself and the planet with my goodness and willingness to evolve. To bring people together for a shared vision of self love, groundedness, and environmental justice. I am a strong believer that we cannot heal the world until we are healed from within.

I think I’m ready to start talking my shit again.