Blog #35: Freewrite
Dear Blog,
Hey! It’s me again. It’s been a minute since I’ve allowed my thoughts to flow. The truth is that I’ve been busier than ever. Work consumes a large part of my brain, and when I’m off, I have a hard time mustering up the energy to do things for myself anymore. I still know how to relax and have fun (sometimes), but there’s a part of me that’s having a hard time letting go of the things that no longer serve me. And I really need to take a load off.
Around the middle of summer, I hit a major low when I found out that I wasn’t selected for a job that I was really optimistic about getting. Rejection is hard. I had to build my self esteem back up from the ground again. It didn’t matter how many wonderful friends, family and colleagues tried to hype me up and remind me of my worth. Something wasn’t sinking in because I wasn’t accepting the successful, intelligent, star-powered bad bitch I really was on the inside. If the job was meant for me, then I would have had it. I’m just having trouble trying to figure out where to go from here. Work started to feel like a job instead of a passion for a while. That was really hard to accept, given that my line of work was always intended to be my passion.
I’ve never been the type to settle in one place for too long. When I hit one accomplishment, I’m constantly looking for the next. Stagnancy makes me feel antsy. And at its worst, it feels like I’m failing when I can’t top myself. I know it’s a high bar to set, and it leads to this false idea that whatever I do will never be enough because I haven’t met my full potential. The perfectionist in me also screams out that I need to be doing better in all areas of my life. In those moments of weakness, the negative self-talk takes over, and I forget all my bad bitch training. I start to think my life is a mess.
This is the hard part about navigating adulthood. You have to be okay with slow progression. In school, we knew that we were evolving because we graduated to the next grade every year. As a young student, I remember peering into the classrooms of upperclassmen and questioning if I would ever be as smart as them. I remember that twinge of anxiety I would feel, when I didn’t know if I could handle the rigor of the next grade up. I liked excelling in my zone, with just enough challenge to keep things interesting.
Adulthood is nothing like being in school. No one is telling me to abide by a routine, eat food at a certain hour, move my body, or do all my homework on time. No “back to school shopping” or “first day of school pictures.” No classroom smells of freshly sharpened pencils, lemon lysol-scented desks, or sweaty jeans from running “the mile.” And especially no classroom full of people my own age, all trying to figure out their lives the same way as me.
I work from a desk in a room that is less than 5 feet from my bedroom. I am the youngest person on my team, and the only Asian Pacific Islander/Filipina/BIPOC-identifying person. I have a view of a half-way built apartment building that occasionally wakes me up from the sounds of drilling and banging. My lunch is usually dinner from the night before, or some mashup of the random ingredients in my fridge. My zoom meetings take up a good chunk of my days, except when things are slow and I sit silently, working on my projects. Sometimes I remember to throw on some music, not too lyrical so I can keep my focus. My cats often visit me at my desk, and follow me when I take the trip downstairs (my apartment has A LOT of stairs). Some days I don’t step outside at all, usually when it’s really hot. I try to take walks to the nearest park whenever I have a chance. I like using that time to clear my mind. I feel grateful to have a greenspace where I can touch grass and feel human again. The park is situated next to a freeway, but I’ve learned to drown out the sound of cars zooming by.
When I write out how my life looks day-to-day, I can’t deny that it sounds pretty sad. I often feel so removed from the natural places and people that I am working to protect. I am deeply privileged to work remotely, but it’s not a perfect set up. I miss out on so many bonding opportunities with my team. I’m not always able to express my extroverted self. Zoom meetings are kind of weird because when you meet as a group, only one person can speak at a time. There are no side-chats where you get to sit next to your favorite teammate and kiki on the low. And instead of expressing with words, the soft-spoken people often rely on “reacting with emojis.” I am a victim of it too. I sometimes worry that my colleagues don’t understand my true personality because they only know me from a quiet box on their screen. They should really know that I’m far more than that.
I’m not sure if I miss the act of going to school, or just the feeling of being part of a community. But the question of “to go back to school or to not go back to school?” has been weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t want to get the degree just so people will respect what I have to say. I feel like I have earned that, and will only continue to gain respect through experience. I just don’t want to get caught up in a situation where I can’t excel in my career because I don’t have the appropriate credentials. It’s not like I’m trying to be a teacher or a doctor. I just want to be a fierce advocate for the things I care deeply about. I already AM a fierce advocate. I just question what it will take for me to excel in leadership, so that I can start having more agency and power in fighting for solutions.
What frustrates me about the higher-ed situation is how it’s often framed as a necessity to “get where you want to go.” To me, it can be another barrier to becoming a successful contributor to your field. Unfortunately, a masters or a PhD is not accessible to everyone. Financial aid is hard to come by, and most people have to prioritize work in order to sustain themselves and their families. People without degrees are just as worthy as the people who have them. Most everything can be learned on the job.
The proof I always lean on are indigenous tribal leaders: excellent stewards of the land and water. They didn’t need a diploma from an accredited university to learn what their ancestors discovered to be true. This knowledge doesn’t even exist in textbooks. Indigenous Peoples around the world have acquired generations of knowledge about how to be good stewards, and share these teachings with younger generations. The world is changing rapidly and so is their understanding of it, so new information is constantly integrated. A western scientist could run a million studies using the “7-step scientific method” and still never acquire the same insight as an indigenous person whose soul is connected to the beating heart of the land. That connection to the bigger picture is where true wisdom lies.
I’m not saying that western science is ineffective. We’re all looking to solve the problems of the world in different ways. The real problem is that certain methods of gaining knowledge are more valued in this society. That goes all the way back to the history of colonization. When colonizers took over this land, they replaced indigenous traditional knowledge with European teachings. Native families were forced to send their children to boarding schools, where the youth had to drop their entire existence in favor of the colonizer’s. From religion, to mannerisms, to clothes, to their very essence. Native children were sent here to become “civilized” by white folks. Forced assimilation was a devastating time in history that people often forget about.
The effects of “Native American Boarding Schools” trickle down into modern day, where people without conventional education are looked down upon. Every parent wants their kid to go to college and be a successful doctor, lawyer, engineer, or [insert high paying occupation here]. Younger generations don’t even want to consider service-oriented jobs anymore because the pay is abysmal and the treatment is poor. They are told that higher education is a necessity to get a “good paying job” -- and honestly that’s the truth in this economy. But even then, out-of-college pay is still well below the mounting debt from earning the degree. And what will this imply for the future? How can people really improve their quality of life when they are constantly acquiring more debt? And who will perform the necessary services of society when all the kids grow up to look down upon service jobs?
It doesn’t have to be this way. No job is more important than another. And we should not have to work so hard for such little pay, just to realize that we spent our entire lives working instead of actually living. I sure as hell was not born to participate in that deprecating cycle. What matters most is that we’re happy, and we don’t feel pressured to pursue a certain path. We were born to be free.
As much as I want to return to school, I know my energy is needed in the field. Given the urgency of our climate crisis, I can’t imagine sitting in a classroom, learning more about “the problem” while the world is dying. The problem is painfully obvious at this point. We need to expand our minds and our capacity to move forward with old, new, and true solutions. We need to center indigenous knowledge. We need to prioritize living a fulfilling life. It’s due time that we shift the culture to assist this new reality. I can assure you will be seeing me and my homies on the frontline.
<3 EE
