Blog #3: A love letter
What is love?
That is something I've been asking myself as I read feminist author bell hooks’ All About Love for the first time. (Special thanks to my Ninang for making the wonderful recommendation!) I’ve learned a few things since reading this book, and these thoughts are constantly shifting the way I perceive my reality.
I’ve learned that…
I am so worthy of an abundance of love. Any voice in my head that has tried to convince me otherwise is only a projection of lovelessness from when I experienced hurt before.
I have to love myself completely in order to give my love to others and banish jealousy from my life. My negative judgments toward myself and others are a product of how I was conditioned to see the world. I am the creator of my reality, and I can create new standards.
Acknowledging childhood trauma and the lovelessness felt by my inner child is the only way to rectify my feelings in the present. I have to show myself the love I wish to receive.
Most of my abandonment issues and lack of trust in myself and others comes from the fact that the person I love the most was taken from me too soon.
And lastly, bell hooks’ definition of love is the willingness to nurture our own and someone else’s spiritual growth. I deeply resonate with this definition. Love is what I have for Matthew, as we embark on a life-long spiritual journey together.
Matthew is my soul mate, as most readers probably know. I say that with the most sincerity because Matthew has grown with me through everything, ever since we were 14 years old. So many amazing people have been in and out of our lives throughout high school, college, and now post-grad. They know us at all different stages of our relationship.
This Wednesday, September 15th, happens to be our SEVENTH year anniversary. I am seriously mind blown by how long we’ve actually been together! Matthew and I have continued to say to each other after all these years: “yeah, yeah... we’re JUST getting started.” That’s probably because our relationship feels like we've only just started dating, yet we’ve known each other for a lifetime. Our growth individually and as a unit always surprises me. I learn new things about Matthew as he does with me, all the time.
Matthew, as I’m sure he would hate to admit, was not the best at expressing emotion during the beginning of our relationship. He was emotionally closed off at times, as most boys are raised to be. My constant goal was to pry him open little by little, every chance I could.
The first time I said “I love you” to Matthew was during our 6th month-anniversary. We sat on the rolling hills of his Martinez home, watching the sunset. He surprisingly fell quiet when I said that -- he even turned away to gather his thoughts. My immediate reaction to that was rejection, so I turned away and started choking up in tears. A few more moments passed before Matthew gathered the courage to tell me that he loved me too, he just couldn’t respond at first because he was so taken aback by his own emotions. He apologized for the dramatic effect, but reminded me that he never understood what love was before. This was the moment he felt true love for the first time.
I find it ironic that the day we said “I love you” for the first time, we both turned away from each other and cried for two very different reasons. I cried for my so-thought rejection. Matthew cried for his overwhelming sense of love. I feel like working through our initial miscommunication and reaching empathetic understanding is a great way to describe what growth looks like for us.
What I love most about our relationship is how willing we both are to evolve together. We recognize whenever we reach a place of stagnation and take it as an opportunity to level up. We are both open minded to improving ourselves in all ways, individually and as a couple. We are both in a pursuit to love ourselves, and each other, in all the ways we deserve.
There are many days when I think to myself: “how did I get so lucky to have Matthew in my life???” He is truly one of my biggest supporters. He understands me and my needs better than anyone else. He is my other half. He is my best friend. He makes me laugh and gives me a reason to seek more joy in life.
Even through the sureness of our love, we’re only human. We occasionally experience waves of self doubt, which can lead to self sabotage if it’s left unaddressed. That’s because love is scary. It’s scary to know how much you could give yourself to another person, while facing the unbearable possibility of losing that love. I know what I have with Matthew is true love because I simply couldn’t imagine a life without him.
The trauma of losing someone I love so much in life has caused me to lose trust in love, but I’m allowing myself to heal and love more openly again. I feel a deep sense of gratitude for bell hooks’ definition of love because it helped me reach a deeper place within myself and in my relationship. My love for Matthew constantly pushes me to be a better version of myself, and that includes the ugly sides of self-work. In the painful moments of releasing old versions of ourselves, we often find the most profound sense of confidence and compassion. Our love for each other is what tethers us to the constant hope for something better.
I have no doubt in my mind that this seventh year of Maya and Matthew will be one for the books. We are entering a new era together as adults! We have so many incredible opportunities and beautiful moments in store for us. As we wade through uncharted territory, we will always approach new challenges as learning opportunities and show each other utmost compassion. Matthew is my life partner and I am his. I feel so blessed that I get to experience this life with him each step of the way :)
Matthew, if you’re reading this. I just have three words for you, no more, no less: i love you.
